This day 3 years ago was very bitter sweet for me. My day started well and I woke to the great news that my son had got his first choice primary school. We were over the moon! We headed out to soft play to celebrate – only, while we were there I began to get abdominal cramps and heavy bleeding. I suppose I should have mentioned earlier, that I was 6 weeks pregnant at this point.
Thoughts of the new school quickly vanished, and all I could think of was what was happening to me and my baby. I was terrified but the hospital couldn’t do anything because of how early I was. I was left to deal with this alone, and to take a test again in a few days, and go back for blood tests if I was unsure, but it sounded like I was miscarrying. I was devastated that this was happening to me, to us, to our family. And there was nothing, nothing at all that I could do to stop this happening, nothing that ANYONE could do to stop this. I felt like it was all my fault.
Had I lifted something too heavy? Had I not taken my folic acid religiously? What had I done to make this happen? In truth, there was nothing I had done to cause this, but it was MY body that let me down, MY body that lost this child, so I felt like it was MY fault. A test a few days later revealed I was no longer pregnant, and my periods returned as usual. There was no help or support offered to me, I was simply left to deal with it myself. I thought that was the end of it. That I could process the thoughts and feelings, and get past it on my own. That was until M started school in September, and there was another parent who was pregnant and due her baby just 2 weeks before I would have been due.
Watching her bump grow, and her due date come and go, and she delivered just 5 days before my due date, I felt crushed all over again. Of course I was over the moon for my friend, her baby boy is gorgeous, but he reminds me of what I could, or should have. Even now, I look at him and I’m reminded I should have a toddler causing havoc in my house, but that one day 3 years ago changed all of that. 1 in 4 women experience the loss of a child. This can happen without warning, without a care for how long you’ve been trying, how wanted the baby is, or how many precautions you take.
If you’ve experienced the loss of a child and require more help and support to deal with this, then Motherwell can help you. Email us at firstname.lastname@example.org or call 01606 557666 for further information.