I struggle really hard with friendships and relationships of any kind due to having Borderline Personality Disorder.
I find this especially hard when it comes to the politics of social media, and the ‘reasoning’ for something.
Recently one of the mums from my sons class deleted me as a friend. Not a big deal maybe, but for me it starts a whole chain effect off about why she’s deleted me, what have I done? Have I said something? Has she been slagging me off with other parents? Does everyone hate me but just pretending to like me? You can see how in my mind, that one small thing can escalate into the whole world hating me and having a group chat bitching session on WhatsApp behind my back.
I can have this conversation 100x over in my head and all it does is make me more anxious and lower my self esteem. If I stand back though and look at the situation – I actually don’t particularly like this person anyway, we have nothing in common, and my kid doesn’t like her kid.
So why is it such a big deal to me? Is it a need to be liked by EVERYONE? I know that’s impossible, but that’s exactly it. Just because she doesn’t like me, doesn’t mean others don’t. Why can’t I be satisfied?
I have friends on my Facebook that I don’t like, who were bullies at school, or who are just horrible people. I don’t like to hurt peoples feelings though, and I want to be liked. If I delete them, then they will think I don’t like them, much like I’ve felt with the previous situation. It’s like a pathological need to please.
I think social media is such a big part of our lives, that we just want to know EVERYONE, to ensure we know EVERYTHING. When you’re having a conversation and a friend mentions something a friend of theirs has said or done on SM, and you’ve not seen it because you’re not friends with them (despite it being a mutual acquaintance), can make you feel a bit of an outsider. That you have to explain yourself why you’re not friends with them (they don’t like you, or you don’t like them) and put the thought in your friends head of ‘why don’t my friends like each other?’ Worrying this may stop them being your friend.
Saying it out loud can sound silly, but these are real, valid feelings that I have about my friendships. The worry they could be snatched away from me in an instant. The worry that no one will like me. The fear of abandonment and being alone.
I know I’m not the only one who goes through this process, however much it seems like it sometimes. I just need to take a deep breath, think whether i want this person in my life or not. Will I miss their presence? If not, then they’re not worth fighting for, and certainly not worth worrying about.